by Kay Spare Login | Feb 16, 2025 | be well, mental health, next generation, work well
HUGS
“We need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth”
Virginia Satir
World-renowned family therapist.
This quote emphasises the importance of physical touch to help us feel safe, belonging, calm, connected and trusting. All of which boost individual immune systems and support community wellbeing. Hugs help release a cascade of thrive neuro-chemistry, especially oxytocin.
Hugs are fuel for better family and social systems; a great investment for our children’s children’s children …
But what about people who are hug deficient, socially isolated, emotionally lonely? What can we do to boost this neuro-chemical that is so essential for wellbeing?
Can we bio-hack an oxytocin boost?
Yes, we can.
6 tips to optimise oxytocin levels for yourself and for others:
- Come Find Me
- Resonating
- Gifting
- Petting
- H-Art
- H-Artifacts
Come Find Me
Check out the work of neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor who, upon regaining consciousness after a stroke, observed that medical staff and visitors were functional but detached. She describes feelings of being trapped inside her mind and body and yearning to plead: ‘Here I am, I’m in here, come find me…’
I’ve heard this yearning from many clients.
You can do that for someone (go find them…) by taking off your critical lens, your analytical thoughts and judgements and simply being present with the wonderful specimen of a human being who is being alive right in front of you.
Resonating
Whether you’re talking to someone face to face, over the garden fence or through social media, giving your full, undivided attention is a gift for both parties. This boosts a mind-body sensation where you feel a powerful energetic plug-in to another human.
Learn to tune up ALL your senses to be present with and for a significant other person, with your own whole being. It may take a bit of practice to let go of thoughts that try to convince you that your inside world is more valid than what’s occurring in the space between you, but try it. And feel the difference.
Gifting
Boost your neurochemistry of connection to and with others when you do things without the need for recognition. Make the art of authentic giving your new superpower. It can be:
A bloom from the garden, a special meal, a heartfelt gesture.
A gesture, hug, cuddle, caress, hand hold.
A compliment, giggle, smile.
A helping hand with chores or running a bath for someone.
Petting
Pets mirror our moods and petting them soothes stress levels in both parties by lowering cortisol and blood pressure while boosting oxytocin. Look up the data on Pets As Therapy! Soft, smooth rhythmic petting – especially skin-on-skin – stimulates calming neurochemistry and slower brain waves.
H-Artful
Draw, paint or colour heart shapes on stones, on paper, on anything! You are (re)setting your sub-conscious mind to loving associations. Kids do this naturally –when did you stop?!
Visualise your heart as a personal space for your loved ones to nestle, where you keep them cozy, warm and wrapped up in your purest love.
Play a game with your where you roll a dice and describe the sensations of feeling love in that number of words. For example, rolling the number 3 would lead to describing some sensations of love in three words, such as warm, rising, pink.
H-Artifacts
Look at your household artefacts and subjectively measure the level of associated emotional that your brain has anchored. Based on this ‘audit’ you can re-arrange common areas so that your daily view of pictures, photos, ornaments etc, maximise your happy chemicals. What’s the first and last thing you look at each day?
Dedicate time to looking through photos that bring back happy memories of times shared with loved ones. Celebrate these feelings.
by Kay Spare Login | Feb 13, 2024 | be well, heart, mental health, mind-body, neurology, resilience, strategy, workingwithkids
The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold, he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.
Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.
“I like this Dinosaur,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.”
“I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur,” thought the Dinosaur. “She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.”
“But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “He is also overly fond of things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?”
“But her mind skips from here to there so quickly,” thought the Dinosaur. “She is also uncommonly keen on shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?”
“I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur, “for they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.”
“I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping,” thought the Dinosaur, “for she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.”
Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.
And that, my friends, is how it is with love.
Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together. For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place.
by Kay Spare Login | May 31, 2023 | be well
Sean started planning a mountain hike.
Closing his eyes, helped him recall his past hikes.
Remembering the time when ill-fitting shoes had rubbed a blister into his heel, he decided to invest in boots more suitable for the task ahead.
Remembering the time when driving rain had leaked through the seams of his coat, he decided to find a waterproof coat more suitable for the task ahead.
Remembering the time when his head became very sunburned, he decided to pack a hat more suitable for the task ahead.
Closing his eyes once more he confirmed the feeling of attraction towards this forthcoming hiking challenge. And began mentally rehearsing required attitudes and abilities that would assist an exciting adventure.
Sean kept it simple. He checked his past experiences to prepare himself for the future he wished to welcome.
Sean’s hiking companion Stu however, was not feeling so enthusiastic about the forthcoming hike. On one hand he wanted to do it. But every time he thought about it his brain’s record of previous events (driving rain, foot blisters and sunburn) kept prompting thoughts like “it’s not fair… what if that happens again… that’s always my bad luck…” which in turn produced avoidance feelings. That overwhelm trapped him in a state of suffering. Stu agonised for many weeks about whether he should take another (sure to be) miserable hike or avoid it, only to be tormented by the thought of missing out on a day with his pal.
Contrary to Sean, Stu’s thinking processes were not at all simple.
Both Sean and Stu’s brains were preparing them to meet their futures.
Just like Dalia who told me “I knew I was going to tell you that (revelation), I sometimes think I’m psychic” and I thought to myself “if only she’d been conscious of that mental rehearsal”.
We are all heading into our futures, the question is ‘how’.
Defining, refining, and mentally rehearsing your future is a proven strategy for installing new circuitry in the brain, whether that’s to terrorise yourself into decision-inertia (like Stu) or to propel yourself into the next adventure (like Sean). The auto-pilot part of your brain doesn’t care either way, it just needs direction. So why not use the conscious part of your mind to meet an enhanced future that you’ll love meeting and being in?
Brain training is an art form to manipulate neural circuitry through hypnosis, visualisation, or even guided meditation. And NLP provides the perfect combination of conscious and non-conscious co-creation. Because that future you – is thanking you for making your past matter.
by Kay Cooke | May 3, 2022 | be well
Do you have an attitude for ‘how will I get through this?’ To summon determination so that you keep going until you get to the other side of something stressful.
That’s resilience. It’s training your brain to push through adversity rather than fold into helplessness when the going gets tough.
I consider myself pretty resilient and I’m tenacious in finding new ways to thrive, but I want to share with you a time when I was really tested to think out of the box and rapidly come up with a brand-new coping strategy. I was lying in the MRI scanner about to have my head and neck scanned.
“Soothing music?” they asked.
“Of course,” I replied, knowing how such music positively affects brainwaves.
“Here’s the panic button. Press it and we’ll get you out as quickly as possible”
“Oh, I won’t need that, I’m an accomplished meditator” my Hubris responded, after all I was making clear pictures of myself lying flat and relaxed.
And so, it began. I lay still, calm, and ready to remain relaxed.
But no sooner than the machine began its vibrating sound, my reptilian brain immediately shifted into a primitive fight/flight reaction.
No problem I thought, understanding that I just needed to adjust my autonomic nervous system reaction. So I aimed all attention on soothing basal brain through a calming breathing technique. But as visceral fear surged through me I panicked, pressed the button and they brought me out. I was unable to override a fearful amygdala.
Truly bemused, I tried again a few moments later. This time, I decided to activate my brain’s creative centres through visualisation of my happy place with full sensory association – an excellent way to switch on calm. But no, as cortisol and adrenaline misdirected my body, reptilian brain pressed the button again…
Damn it. Now I was cross and somewhat shocked at how my body and mind had stopped talking to each other.
Last chance. I could either validate the fear reaction and retreat into failure, or find a new solution. “This is your brain, drive it on purpose” I thought calmly and clearly.
“How else can you drive your brain through fear and get to beyond?”
I made a mental checklist of what hadn’t worked and searched for something different. Numbers! Maths! My sure way to zone out!
And so I began counting back from 500, out loud while visualising each number. It required intense concentration and I frequently had to start again whenever I lost that focus. But it worked, the strategy worked! I had pushed through adversity and discovered a new strategy. Learning through doing something different.
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