confidence Archives - Page 2 of 2

Interview with John La Valle

CLICK HERE to watch John and I discuss many important aspects of communicating to influence with integrity and precision, especially online!

John is President of the Society of NLP.

Installing Bully Buffers

Throughout history, across the world, mirrors have been used to deflect bad spirits and direct lightness into the environment.

I use imaginary mirrors and mind-magic experiments to help children deal with bullies or situations that feel threatening. The key to this success is engaging a richness of sensory-based imagination. I’ve been using this technique for years with clients of all ages, and for myself. It works, try it!

Here’s how to do it:

Invite your child to imagine they are surrounded by a bright yellow cloud or mist. Any colour is ok if it feels powerful, I suggest yellow as a colour commonly associated with inner power.

Have your child visualise this yellow mist swirling around their body in a clockwise direction growing up from underfoot and making a swirl-knot overhead. The mist is quite faint, is see-through, has a cooling taste, smells lemony and sounds sparkly.

The more associated to sensations, the stronger the influence. Have them experiment with swirling faster or slower – which swirl speed helps them feel strongest? Become genuinely curious about the effects of this mind experiment.

Ask them to take a big, deep breath in through their nostrils inhaling lemony mist flowing down deeply inside the lungs and when they breathe out, let the long, slow out-breath gently expand the size of the yellow cloud surrounding them.

After mastering the art of an expanding, swirling yellow mist, they are ready to add the outer layer of magic mirrors – all facing outwards. Some people see mirrors of the same size and shape, while others see different sizes and shapes. Experiment with the design of the mirrored ‘shield’ perhaps hearing them clicking into place.

Now inside this space, feel the new distance from mean words or feelings. Some people find it quite fun to visualise hurtful words or feelings bouncing off the outward facing mirrors into the air, before disappearing.

Top Tip! Invite your child to identify where in their body they feel most confident when doing this. That’s a hypnotic suggestion by the way!

Anger: How do you do?

What happens when we swallow our anger? When we don’t or can’t suitably discharge it? When instead, we find it ruminating inside the mind?

Most people understand that anger can be ignited by a tangible threat (eg. a car swerving towards us) and by a perception (e.g. “I think that driver directed the car towards us on purpose”).

And it’s probably fair to suggest that we’ve all experienced nano-second reactions diverting all resources towards bodily readiness for fight or flight. Anger switches the brain to ‘survival’ mode and initiates physiological readiness for self-defence.

Rational thinking then has no feed and is depleted.

Interestingly, studies show that anger can actually lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol because it stimulates the brain’s left hemisphere into taking purposeful action, like standing up to a bully (outward expression), or turning inwards to propel you away from repeating a hideous behaviour.

Unfortunately, society does tend to reward those who use anger to shout loudest, though it’s difficult to see how upset, irrational behaviour, or even violence might be useful to anyone.

Some people use their expression of anger to get action from others, and tantrums are usually the result of anger being used as a tool to manipulate the behaviour of others, or as a pitch for hierarchical dominance.

So what happens when we swallow our anger? When we don’t or can’t suitably discharge it? When instead, we find it ruminating inside the mind?

Then our underlying stress levels simmer, and simmer, until a safer displacement opportunity turns up, like kicking the dog, or shouting at the kids, when we really feel mad towards an absent colleague.

Sometimes we ruminate enough to bring the simmering emotion to boiling point, causing great distress to those bewildered witnesses who ask ‘how did that happen?’ judging a seemingly insignificant word or action, to have caused the eruption.

Repressing one’s anger can also produce passive aggressive behaviours like withdrawing our attention from, or ignoring others, which leaves the other person feeling unsure about what’s happening. And since our brains do not like uncertainty, generating it in another person, like the feeling of ‘not knowing’, can precipitate their sense of perceived threat (thus anger gets discharged through punishment that avoids violence or admonishment).

NLP enables us to look at the boundary conditions of someone’s ‘map of the world’ and this is where we find our highly prized and defendable life rules. Sometimes these are evident as core values, for example if you prize freedom as a core value and someone tries to restrain you, anger may be instantaneous, unless you’ve learned a better strategy.

Did you notice your strategies for anger?

Are your boundary conditions formidable, or flexible?

NLP provides a vital foundation of skills that help you recognise and upgrade thinking, feeling and behavioural strategies, including anger. Learn with us, so you get to make swift changes within yourself, and when dealing with the strategies of others.