by Kay Spare Login | Feb 16, 2025 | be well, mental health, next generation, work well
HUGS
“We need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth”
Virginia Satir
World-renowned family therapist.
This quote emphasises the importance of physical touch to help us feel safe, belonging, calm, connected and trusting. All of which boost individual immune systems and support community wellbeing. Hugs help release a cascade of thrive neuro-chemistry, especially oxytocin.
Hugs are fuel for better family and social systems; a great investment for our children’s children’s children …
But what about people who are hug deficient, socially isolated, emotionally lonely? What can we do to boost this neuro-chemical that is so essential for wellbeing?
Can we bio-hack an oxytocin boost?
Yes, we can.
6 tips to optimise oxytocin levels for yourself and for others:
- Come Find Me
- Resonating
- Gifting
- Petting
- H-Art
- H-Artifacts
Come Find Me
Check out the work of neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor who, upon regaining consciousness after a stroke, observed that medical staff and visitors were functional but detached. She describes feelings of being trapped inside her mind and body and yearning to plead: ‘Here I am, I’m in here, come find me…’
I’ve heard this yearning from many clients.
You can do that for someone (go find them…) by taking off your critical lens, your analytical thoughts and judgements and simply being present with the wonderful specimen of a human being who is being alive right in front of you.
Resonating
Whether you’re talking to someone face to face, over the garden fence or through social media, giving your full, undivided attention is a gift for both parties. This boosts a mind-body sensation where you feel a powerful energetic plug-in to another human.
Learn to tune up ALL your senses to be present with and for a significant other person, with your own whole being. It may take a bit of practice to let go of thoughts that try to convince you that your inside world is more valid than what’s occurring in the space between you, but try it. And feel the difference.
Gifting
Boost your neurochemistry of connection to and with others when you do things without the need for recognition. Make the art of authentic giving your new superpower. It can be:
A bloom from the garden, a special meal, a heartfelt gesture.
A gesture, hug, cuddle, caress, hand hold.
A compliment, giggle, smile.
A helping hand with chores or running a bath for someone.
Petting
Pets mirror our moods and petting them soothes stress levels in both parties by lowering cortisol and blood pressure while boosting oxytocin. Look up the data on Pets As Therapy! Soft, smooth rhythmic petting – especially skin-on-skin – stimulates calming neurochemistry and slower brain waves.
H-Artful
Draw, paint or colour heart shapes on stones, on paper, on anything! You are (re)setting your sub-conscious mind to loving associations. Kids do this naturally –when did you stop?!
Visualise your heart as a personal space for your loved ones to nestle, where you keep them cozy, warm and wrapped up in your purest love.
Play a game with your where you roll a dice and describe the sensations of feeling love in that number of words. For example, rolling the number 3 would lead to describing some sensations of love in three words, such as warm, rising, pink.
H-Artifacts
Look at your household artefacts and subjectively measure the level of associated emotional that your brain has anchored. Based on this ‘audit’ you can re-arrange common areas so that your daily view of pictures, photos, ornaments etc, maximise your happy chemicals. What’s the first and last thing you look at each day?
Dedicate time to looking through photos that bring back happy memories of times shared with loved ones. Celebrate these feelings.
by Kay Spare Login | Feb 13, 2024 | be well, heart, mental health, mind-body, neurology, resilience, strategy, workingwithkids
The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold, he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.
Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.
“I like this Dinosaur,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.”
“I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur,” thought the Dinosaur. “She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.”
“But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. “He is also overly fond of things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?”
“But her mind skips from here to there so quickly,” thought the Dinosaur. “She is also uncommonly keen on shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?”
“I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things,” thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur, “for they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.”
“I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping,” thought the Dinosaur, “for she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.”
Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.
And that, my friends, is how it is with love.
Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together. For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place.
by Kay Cooke | Feb 28, 2022 | work well
Do you know Alexa, the virtual AI assistant (small electronic hub that talks to you) bringing lightning-fast connection between you and the internet? The protocol for this type of interaction is simple – YOU have to speak AI language, articulating precisely what you want, then you get instant results.
“Alexa, what is the time?”
“Alexa, play relaxing music”
“Alexa, what is the weather forecast for London, tomorrow?”
“Alexa, stop!”
Does this level of word precision sound familiar?
Reminds me of our NLP work where we look at structures of communication and learn to use precise communication to get precise results. That clears up misunderstanding when ‘meaning’ can get distorted, confusing the message.
So, what happens when someone doesn’t speak AI and tries to communicate on their terms …
Angry Ally got mad with Alexa who repeated “I’m sorry, I don’t understand that.” Ally blamed Alexa’s lousy programming for not delivering the result he wanted, and the AI was swiftly dispatched to the bin.
Nice Nanna’s attempts of asking “Alexa please, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to play X” left her feeling depressed and useless because the receiver got confused with all those words and zoned out. Even “please would you stop playing that now, Alexa” got no result.
Because AI speaks in code and signals, following a programme and there are no routes for making assumptions or ‘trying’ to deliver.
Smart Sam was curious about which verbal requests worked best and soon found the precise results he wanted. By adapting to the receiver’s programme, he soon got to discover more benefits of this new relationship. That put him in firmly in charge.
Unfortunately, Ally refused to adapt and remained in battle mode on a mission to prove he was right, while Nanna felt a failure by the thought that she was wrong. Both stuck to their own kind of music, both making their own misery by rubbishing another or pitying self.
You see, when the language of engagement is precise, look out for lightning-fast results. Learn how to tune in to the language codes of your friends and colleagues and make life smoother, easier, and happier. Wait – you did know that we all speak through different codes, didn’t you? Of course, you know your kind of language for sure, but there’s always room for improvement …
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